heart and soul

read my own blog 2day, it looked like something written by someone jaded to cynicism, well, mayb i am.

mayb the world will be a bit better if every1 treat each other a bit better, just a bit more understanding, a bit more tolerance, a bit more good will. i know how easy it is to fill ur heart with hate and bitterness. some1 once said " when u stare into the darkness, the darkness stares back at u." it is only when we lack faith in ourselves, we start doubting others.

mayb it is true, once we have gone down that road of cynicism, we can not return to wat we once were, but we have not lost ourselves to the darkness, i believe there is still a part of us, no matter how small, is still good and is capable of loving others and being loved. that is our very soul.

i believe firmly and deeply, no matter how jaded we become to cynicism, we will not and can not lose our soul. so, even if you are cynical to the core, have faith in urself, believe in the kindness of your heart.

follow up

dis is really a follow up of my previous post. i was worried some1 might think my mom is a horrible mom, no she isn't, she is great, if anything i'm the bad son.

dis is important to me, my mom raised me all by herself, my dad left us when i was still a kid, we only got re-united when i was 8/9 years old when we went to the philippines (god, its a lot harder to write dis than i thought), i remember my mom bringing me to piano lessons, i remember the orange i had as a christmas present, hehe, and she told me if i didn't went for the afternoon nap, i wouldn't have gotten it. (its still kinda funny, just to think about it) i remember the time she got so mad at me when she found out i stole the cigarette of my grandad and smoked it wif my cousin, and they made me knee on the washing board, i remember how worried she was when i was hit by the motorbike, i remember how worried she was when i cut myself wif the scissor. she has always been a good mom like every other mom who really gave everything for their children.

the real trouble is that i think i've come to an age where i need to have a life of my own without my parents constantly telling me wat they think i should do, god i love my parents, i wish i can be rich enough to provide them wif a happy retirement, a condo somewhere, wit health care, a private nurse and everything, i love them but i just can't live with them, i don't know why, but i guess dis is how i am? but i felt guilty letting them know all dis, and thre is just no way i can let them know wat i think, because i can't explain dis feeling to them, they deserve every right to demand anything from me, i guess i'm being selfish, but i need to live my life, a life for the sake of life is meaningless. if i can't have my own dreams and life then my life is meaningless.

p.s. nobody do anything stupid like telling my parents wat i think, too many times ppl tried to do things for my "own good" and always ends up making it worse than it is.

my emotion diary - episode 1

i'm not a particularly emotional person, i usually do not allow my emotion to influence my reasoning and logic. but we are humans after all, and i hope this diary mayb can help me to understand my self a bit better. also mayb writing this in a public space will also help raise my self-esteem, eventhough i have the skin of a concrete elephant but i guess too much self-esteem can't be bad.

i remember one day a long time ago, me and my mom was just sitting on our couch, we were just watching honkie drama series, i remember she laughed and i laughed because she laughed, i think thats was as close as we got as mother and son. and now i can't even have a decent conversation wif my mom, without her telling me wats wrong wif my life and wat should i do about it.

when i was growing up, both my parents were always busy, i don't really spend anytime wif my parents, other than at dinner table, even then we just eat our food and then go on do our own thing. we dont have any family day or etc. basically my parents have let me grow up on my own, which wasn't really that bad. i spend a lot of time with my barkada (err... can be translated as crew?we dont break dance though) actually a lot of them is a bit like me, we dont really have a fulfilling family life. i guess in hind sight mayb thats why i cant get along wif my mom anymore, because she started to take interest, she started to intefere with my life, mostly because i came here, funny isn't it? only when i'm not there she starts to want to arrange my life. but when i was sitting at the dinner table and my mind is thousands of miles away, it was alright...

sometime i miss the day when we just sit on the couch and watched her drama series, i guess that is the only time when she didn't mind me being the way i am, when she didn't really take an interest in wat i do........ t..s..k, t..s..k, t..s..k......

constructive elements

i don't really like to rant, so i decided to put some constructive element into my blog. HOWEVER, dis does not mean i won't dish out stuff if something annoys me. and u all heard the saying, the dog that barks dont bite? well dis "dog" don't bark - at all -, so ppl beware, hehe

(on a side note, i was born in the year of the dog, how odd? actually it would be a lot more strange if i was born in the year of rooster or year of the rat...)

anyway, wat i really want to talk about is, "which is tougher? being a man or being a woman?"

first all, i'm not goin to list pros and cons, because man and woman are different, so the two gender does not have anything that can be compared with. for example, man does not have periods, if man is capable of having periods then we can compare it with the female's, but because we can't so we wont.

so knowin that, the only comparison that can be made is by comparing within our own gender, so if we set some kind of standard for woman and man then we can compare the ratio of man and woman that is above or below the set standard. (let it sink in, it will make sense eventually)

but, it is hard to set a particular standard, because in choosing a standard for man and woman then we need to find an equivalent male and an equivalent female, but since we can't compare the male and female in the first place such standard just wouldn't make sense or be fair.

after all that, the only thing that can be concluded is " its harder to be a man, if u don't know how to act like a man, and its easier to be a woman if you know how to act like a woman".

is it constructive enough? wat did u expect? a life lesson? hehe, nothing in life is free, u got to ficgure out things on ur own.

bato bato sa langit

read my frends blog 2day, he was talking about how the greatest struggle is within oneself, how war isn't just wat we see on tv and news, and the only way to win against the war is to choose to fight the demon within us.

bfeh, all he did was makes me remember an old saying - "sinews of war, endless money".

once something is done once, its easier to do it again especially with war. i have never realized how true it is. the cold, hard fact is war can not be stoped by reason, and u are asking for the impossible when u say "lets all try to be a better person, each and everybody.... " its stupid and naive, and a SHIT LOAD OF CRACK!!! and i dont care even if u meant well, or if i hurt ur feelings, u r my frend and i'm telling u to stop this stupid ass shit now!! no - one !!! NOT ONE single person will benefit from such sentiment. aha, at this point some of u out there might think, well if i can reach at least 1 person, make 1 person a bettter person it will be worth it. WRONG!! wat u doin is sending them out there to be slaughtered. so if u think u are making the world a better place, think again! u are doin more damage than good.

alright, alright i know u meant well, but u need to think about it a bit more, be a bit more realistic and down to earth, things not gonna change because u have good moral fiber. things will only change when u are in a rare position of power to change things or to improve thing, these usually meant u have to get ur hands dirty and sometime even shake hands with the devil. every man that changed history are all ruthless men with chilling determination to get things done no matter wat, even if it means selling their own dear mom, and no mistake!!

u cant change things by being mr. goody - 2 - shoes, u got to have a bit of a cunt in u to survive in dis world, let alone helping others.

death penalty

a lot of ppl probably have heard about the "about to be executed in 2 weeks" of a viet - australian man in singapore for drug smuglin. personally i'm still un-decided on death penalty, although i do lean a bit towards no-death penalty. its always hard with these kind of things, both sides have very good arguments, and i'm just happy i'm not the one to be executed.

one thing that happend, was the massive reaction from the australians. there was rally for nguyen, call for boycott of singapore products, call for MORE government intervention, support from all sort of groups, religious or secular. a huge reaction and support for a confessed criminal. but i'm telling u now, its all BULLSHIT !! these ppl don't give a shit about the life or death of a criminal, wat these ppl really want is to show who is the boss. they couldn't have said it clearer "its not the indonesian, not the malaysian and certainly not the singaporeans." think about dis, if ur frend have done something that opposite of wat ur opinions is, will u go as far as telling him to do wat u want or otherwise u'll tell about the time when he cheated on his wife? its called black -mail it does not solve anything, its not goin to change ur frend, its not goin to do any good except make u feel like u have the power over him. see my point? tsk tks.... and they wonder why foreign relation is so strained......

on another note, religious group should never be concerned with politics, there is no reasoning to a mob of religious fanatics, its either their way or the pitchforks. tch !!

torpedo the fishing boat

was at work 2day, i heard dis dick head complaining over the radio about how indonesian fishermen is crossing over into australian sea. if wasn't for the fact tat i'm working at the time i would've called in and gave him a piece of my mind.

i'm still feeling pretty raw about it, i honestly hope to god u read dis, although i doubt some1 with ur intelligence would be able to find ur own ass with an atlas, let alone navigate the internet.

first of all, do u know how much these ppl have to put up with just to come out and fish? do u have any idea how much they make, the condition they live in, the family members they have to support, and the amount of dickheads (such as urself) they have to deal with on a DAILY BASIS?!

and once in the sea, how the fuck do u know if u crossed into australian water? there's a line drawing in the ocean is it? u can see the chalk lining can u? u fucker. these ppl don't have gps! or high tech navigation system that tells them everytime they cross into australian water that they are annoying the hell out of some1 who probably work 2 days and week and then spend the rest of the week complaining about how indonesian fishermen is steling their jobs !! u pompous dick !
wat makes me really angry is the following statement : " ..... but most of them have crossed more than once, they come here, and steal our livelihood. we should torpedo their boats....... " how the hell did u know most of them have crossed multiple times? did u pull out ur small notebook and record how many times each one of them crosses over have u?

torpedo they boats u say? u fucking retard, wat if instead of asking the government to make torpedos and firing it and blowing up everyhting in the process, use the money to feed everybody, even in-bred asshole like urself?

there, i feel much better.

punctuations

i'm horrible at punctuations. if u have read some of my reports, writings, letters, u'll see i put punctuation marks almost anywhere in the sentence beginning, middle, end, anywhere !! and most of them probably isn't in the right place as well. its like that game pinning the donkey's tail, in my case, i'm not just blind foldded but also already had a bit of drink before hand.

so if punctuations are important to u, then u should either have a few drinks b4 u read my blogs or don't read my blogs at all.

50 cents per fuck

its not fuck as in fornicate but fuck as a expression.

couple of days ago, i was at a frend's house, and they told me they have dis house rule, the princple of this rule is who ever says something rude (hmmm... i wonder if rude gestures counts?) have to put 50 cents in the public donation fund and by the end of the month, they will use that money to treat themselves to something nice, like a nice dinner or possibly a cake. i must admit it seemed like an grand idea, u get to fuck and get to treat urself by the end of the month, and i was musing on this when i suddenly remember one of the urban legend as to where fuck comes from, apparently it comes from the acronym, fornication under consent of the king. so back in the old days in england, whenever ppl need to have sex, they ask for their king's permission. if this happens to be true (obviously not, for all english ppl that happens to read dis), then the king is effectively the protector of the english gene pool and he is directly responsible for the physical appearance of his subjects. so if a king decided to surround himself with tall, big and sturdy ppl then all the farmers will need to fuck at least twice every hour. while all the scholasr are forbidden to masturbate at the very least.

actually this explaination can even go as far as to explain why the english ppl are generally considered as sea-faring ppl and excellent soldiers. well, look at it dis way, if u can't get enough sex, all that pent up sexual frustration gotta go somewhere (try not to masturbate/sex for a week and u'll know what the fuck i'm talking about), how else to release all that frustration other than killing some one with extreme prejudice?

as for the sea-faring bit, if in a country where every1 is queueing up to become farmers, wat are the other professions u got? haha, no, not really, but if u are denied sex, then being trapped in a wooden bath tub filled with smelly men will be like doctor's prescription for sexual starvation, doc : " its the third time dis week, still no permission granted? well, take dis prescription down to the royal navy, a apple a day and plenty of fresh air, and come back nxt year for further examination."


based on urban legend

http://www.snopes.com/language/acronyms/fuck.htm